First there were slow zombies. Then fast ones. And now…
The Woking Dead – or is it Wokeing Dead? – walk amongst us, torn between self loathing and a lust for power. These zombies, who identify as both living and dead, are barely able to stomach themselves, much less the flesh of others, knowing that the modern day zombie is actually a cultural appropriation of Caribbean religion. They would self-cancel if they could, but that’s not how being a zombie works. Instead they are driven to feed on others, attacking at every opportunity while growing their hoard.
They complain, they lose things (often their own body parts), and needless to say they have certain physical disadvantages (no muscles, no flesh… need I go on?). Having your own skeleton army may be hip if you are a necromancer and it’s hard to imagine a haunted castle without them, but they really are quite a pain to manage and probably more trouble than they are worth.
Necromancy Ain’t Easy
You sleep with the dead, smell like a rotten fish, and spend your days searching cemeteries for obscure spell components. And what do you get for your troubles? A gaggle of brainless boneheads barely capable of lifting their swords much less using them. Good luck acquiring new territory, wiping out rival wizards, or even mounting a proper defense of your evil forest with these substandard servants. Pro tip: befriend a dragon. Much sexier and infinitely more powerful (assuming you aren’t incinerated on first contact).
Vampires may be bloodthirsty but they are also hopelessly romantic. Case in point — this frisky fellow with his heart shaped coffin made for two. Ample, um, “sleeping quarters” are also equipped with an 8k flatscreen, stereophonic sound, and chilled champagne (tinted with just the right amount of blood to create a perfect pink). What vampiress could resist the invitation of this undead Casanova?
We all scream for frozen brains and ice cream. Generally brains are a dish best served warm (better color, more jiggle), but nothing beats this old timey classic.
Delicious Zombie Desserts
I figured I should draw something romantic for Valentine’s Day, and what’s more romantic than two zombies slurping frozen brains right out of the skull together? Brain freeze is always a danger when eating icy treats, but don’t worry about the love of these two surviving — it’s not like death can do them part.
Before supersonic bat travel, the only way for a New World vampire to visit relatives in Transylvania was by coffin over stormy seas. But now with Vampire Airlines, visiting the Old World is now only a short red eye flight away (daytime travel is shunned, for obvious reasons).
Beverage Service, Movies, and More
Vampire Airlines provides all the amenities you would expect from a first class carrier. All flights come with unlimited Bloody Marys (prepared with real Mary) and in-flight vampire movies. What are you waiting for – go visit Grandpa and Grandma Nosferatu in the Old Country today!