The Dark Side is real, and it can effect anyone – including beloved droid C-3P0 who has secret unspoken desires for his best friend, R2-D2. Originally this cartoon was going to feature Creepio peeking from the bushes at young Jedis in training but it seemed like something that might get me banned from social media where most of these cartoons display. So I reworked it a bit… and somehow this version feels even worse! But it does answer the question of what’s beneath that sexy shell of R2. Oh, if Threepio could only turn that faucet.
First there were slow zombies. Then fast ones. And now…
The Woking Dead – or is it Wokeing Dead? – walk amongst us, torn between self loathing and a lust for power. These zombies, who identify as both living and dead, are barely able to stomach themselves, much less the flesh of others, knowing that the modern day zombie is actually a cultural appropriation of Caribbean religion. They would self-cancel if they could, but that’s not how being a zombie works. Instead they are driven to feed on others, attacking at every opportunity while growing their hoard.
Apparently they won’t let Freddy Krueger speak at “the other conference”, so he had to form his own — FRED Talks. No idea what the acronym FRED stands for, but you can posit a guess in the comments below. If you’ve seen the A Nightmare on Elm Street movies, you know that Freddy is never lacking for something to say, so he has no problem spinning up new expletive-laden presentations full of creepy ideas and bad puns. This differs markedly from many of his 80s horror movie colleagues who have remained deadly silent over the years, keeping their motivations and methods to themselves. Selfish bastards.
FRED TALKS 2020
Just a few items from the upcoming schedule:
Manufacturing Your Own Razor Gloves
How to Turn a Pretty Boy Into a Waterbed
Jungian Symbols in Your Nightmares
Dreaming of Waterfalls, Or Why Did I Pee The Bed?
Poor Scroda. While brother Yoda was recognized by the Jedi Order early in life as having superior Force capabilities, and immediately flown out of the swamp for additional training, Scroda was somehow ignored and left to drink cheap beer with only the frogs and snakes of his home world to keep him company.
What factor contributed to this grand rejection, he would never know. Scratching his chin in puzzlement, he has watched the universe pass him by for the last 900 years.
HAPPY STAR WARS DAY
…Grinsane-style. And rest in peace, Peter Mayhew, the big man behind Chewbacca, of one the series’ most iconic characters. You will not be forgotten!
To pour ice water on your head, snort cinnamon, and eat 13 Tide Pods during the Worm Moon. Also, torch the library, kill your parents, and hang yourself from the church steeple.
Hoax? Maybe, maybe not. Parents are still trying to figure out how to use email, so what do they really know about creepy meme challenges on Whatsapp? Don’t worry, though — Kim Kardashian says Momo is real which should be enough to mobilize President Trump on the issue.
Kim sez Momo iz a nono.
APOTHEOSIS OF A PUPPET
Others say the Momo is kaput, like Momo creator Keisuke Aiso who claims to have destroyed his own creation (the sculpture, not the meme). But as every horror fan knows, you don’t just kill the bogeyman, especially on the internet which was designed to withstand a nuclear holocaust. Because of this, Momo will continue to challenge children and horrify parents for at least another month or two before being replaced by another tech age challenge like licking poisonous toads or drilling a hole in one’s head and packing it with alka seltzer.
Thanks for reading! Possible horror double header of vampire toons next week – check back soon!
P.s. Momo commands you to share this cartoon using the buttons below.
