First there were slow zombies. Then fast ones. And now…
The Woking Dead – or is it Wokeing Dead? – walk amongst us, torn between self loathing and a lust for power. These zombies, who identify as both living and dead, are barely able to stomach themselves, much less the flesh of others, knowing that the modern day zombie is actually a cultural appropriation of Caribbean religion. They would self-cancel if they could, but that’s not how being a zombie works. Instead they are driven to feed on others, attacking at every opportunity while growing their hoard.
It’s no secret that cats can be used to improve just about anything in a movie, and the famous “Battle of Hoth” scene in Star Wars’ Empire Strikes Back is no exception. This is because the four-legged mechanical war machines depicted in the movie — AT-ATs, or All Terrain Armored Transports — are an absolutely impractical way of moving troops from one place to another and conducting actual combat operations. Slow, clunky, and prone to making the drivers and troops vomit due to motion sickness, the only real value of an AT-AT is to scare the shit out of people, a capability that quickly wanes once their obvious weakness is discovered: AT-ATs are tippy as hell. This is where cats come to the rescue.
CAT-ATs are a definite improvement over AT-ATs, retaining the intimidation abilities of the original AT-AT design while adding catlike attributes such as balance, dexterity, and speed. Had CAT-ATs instead of AT-ATs been used by the Empire during the assault on Hoth, Luke’s X-Wing could have been pounced upon before its escape to Dagobah and the Millennium Falcon easily swatted from the sky. With two plotlines quickly resolved, the overall running time of the movie could have capped at about 30 minutes, saving the studio millions of dollars. The only drawback of CAT-ATs, in fact, is their proclivity to get distracted by things that have to nothing to do with the original military target or goal. They love to go chasing after whatever wildlife exists on random worlds. Oh, and CAT-ATs do kind of suck at taking orders, too — something no doubt considered by the Empire before opting for more docile technology.
Nothing like a good old fashioned fry-up to burn off excess flesh and keep your stomach bubbling. Happy Friday the 13th for those who celebrate (I assume by watching horror movies). To everyone else, watch out for falling safes, rickety ladders, and machete wielding maniacs.
Crystal Lake Burgers
Although the subject is fried food (or fried dude?), I confess to grabbing a bit of low hanging fruit today with the caption as well as the parody burger joint. I don’t recall Crystal Lake Burgers in any of Friday the 13th franchise movies, but it seems like a plausible location in the F13 extended universe (teens gotta eat!).
Thanks for reading!