It’s no secret that cats can be used to improve just about anything in a movie, and the famous “Battle of Hoth” scene in Star Wars’ Empire Strikes Back is no exception. This is because the four-legged mechanical war machines depicted in the movie — AT-ATs, or All Terrain Armored Transports — are an absolutely impractical way of moving troops from one place to another and conducting actual combat operations. Slow, clunky, and prone to making the drivers and troops vomit due to motion sickness, the only real value of an AT-AT is to scare the shit out of people, a capability that quickly wanes once their obvious weakness is discovered: AT-ATs are tippy as hell. This is where cats come to the rescue.
CAT-ATs are a definite improvement over AT-ATs, retaining the intimidation abilities of the original AT-AT design while adding catlike attributes such as balance, dexterity, and speed. Had CAT-ATs instead of AT-ATs been used by the Empire during the assault on Hoth, Luke’s X-Wing could have been pounced upon before its escape to Dagobah and the Millennium Falcon easily swatted from the sky. With two plotlines quickly resolved, the overall running time of the movie could have capped at about 30 minutes, saving the studio millions of dollars. The only drawback of CAT-ATs, in fact, is their proclivity to get distracted by things that have to nothing to do with the original military target or goal. They love to go chasing after whatever wildlife exists on random worlds. Oh, and CAT-ATs do kind of suck at taking orders, too — something no doubt considered by the Empire before opting for more docile technology.
They complain, they lose things (often their own body parts), and needless to say they have certain physical disadvantages (no muscles, no flesh… need I go on?). Having your own skeleton army may be hip if you are a necromancer and it’s hard to imagine a haunted castle without them, but they really are quite a pain to manage and probably more trouble than they are worth.
Necromancy Ain’t Easy
You sleep with the dead, smell like a rotten fish, and spend your days searching cemeteries for obscure spell components. And what do you get for your troubles? A gaggle of brainless boneheads barely capable of lifting their swords much less using them. Good luck acquiring new territory, wiping out rival wizards, or even mounting a proper defense of your evil forest with these substandard servants. Pro tip: befriend a dragon. Much sexier and infinitely more powerful (assuming you aren’t incinerated on first contact).
Someone has to put the kabosh on toilet paper hoarding.
Camp outhouses are generally disgusting places and this situation is made only worse when someone rips off the toilet paper. Even though Jason is generally content to crap in the woods and use a handful of leaves for hygiene, his ingrained sense of justice does not allow him to tolerate people running off with the community ass wiping products. If only he could be deployed to local Wal-Mart to organize the situation there.
Locksmith strikes me as one of those professions where people see it all. After all, the job of a locksmith is to unlock things that other people want locked up for some good (or nefarious) reason. Things including, ahem, their fellow humans.
Release the Gimp
I rewatched Pulp Fiction again recently which was doubtlessly the inspiration for this cartoon. Ironically, the version I watched was censored on commercial television and the gimp scene was completely cut out of the film! That may sound like sacrilege but since I was watching the movie with my mother I was totally cool with the edits. I’m not sure she would have really understood what was happening and I didn’t want to be the one to explain it to her. Not that I really understand this gimp thing myself – all I know for certain is they are fun to draw!
Thanks for reading — and always keep a backup key.
Jason has had some tough moments in his life but he still takes time out to be thankful for things he’s been blessed with. His mask, machete, and mother’s head are only three items on a long list. One could easily add the beautiful Crystal Lake National Forest, a sweet cabin, and of course the endless numbers of campers and counselors who foolishly visit Crystal Lake every year (a love/hate relationship, to be sure). As this cartoon illustrates, don’t cry over the body when you’ve still got the head.
Just because Jason lives out in the middle of the woods doesn’t make him immune to the latest social trends — like designing his own gratitude board to hang on the wall of his creepy cabin. Speaking of gratitude, thanks for reading this inane commentary and viewing this comic!