The voice of experience here. Goth and heavy metal types (especially those into black metal) put a lot of work into their wardrobes, and although they face many challenges due to their dress choices – from rain to unemployment – the most horrifying threat undoubtably comes from white cats, especially those with extra long fur. I personally wear quite a few black t-shirts and never realized what a terrible situation this was until I came into possession of not one but two white cats, including one with particularly long hair. Now I’m pretty much covered in visible cat fur all the time. Lint rollers can only do so much. Assuming you love your pets, there is no option but surrender. For goths and metalheads, white cats create great visual contrast, but they are wardrobe suicide. Make wise choices at the animal shelter – I didn’t.
People who don’t listen to heavy metal tend to think of it as having a singular sound (that being noise), but for metalheads the genre has countless subgenres, each with its own distinct sonic qualities. Black metal, death metal, doom metal, glam metal, and thrash metal are just a few of the many metal flavors that exist in the vinyl collections and Spotify playlists of dedicated headbangers. That said, there is no current heavy metal subgenre known as “breath metal”, although if fire breathing dragons actually existed and were capable of playing guitar, there no doubt would be. Dragons and metal go way back, with signs of convergence dating to at least 1986 when Yngwie Malmsteen battled a plump airborne hydra with his guitar on the cover of Trilogy. The tradition continues today in the lyrics and iconography of countless metal bands, many of which are named after dragons, the eternal guardians of the power metal subgenre. Needless to say, the Trve Breath Metal depicted in this cartoon would be quite dangerous if actualized, especially indoors, but also well within the heavy metal tradition of dangerous pyrotechnic stage shows. Bring it.
Well, I guess you can’t save them all.
Heavy Metal and Crumpets
I had a relative who was a Jehovah’s Witness and used to do the door-to-door thing. Apparently she and her fellow Bible thumpers kept a notebook in which they documented how people responded to their inquiries. The hopeless cases were listed in the book as “belonging to the goat” (meaning this one) via notation or some kind of doom stamp.
I’ve been living in a very religious state (geographically) for the last five years and have only had proselytizers on my doorstep once. I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t happened more, and I sometimes wonder if a conversation like the one in this cartoon has taken place out in the streets in regards to me. The joke of course is that even though I don’t want to be converted, I feel kind of left out when they don’t try. Like not wanting to go to a party but feeling sad not being invited all the same 😀
Very curious how the heavy metal and crumpets reverse conversion attempt would have worked out. Never underestimate the power of music and food when it comes to religion.
Thanks for reading!
Maybe Coronatallica is still available.
Spreading the Disease
Apparently the band Anthrax got their name when one of the members pulled it from a biology text book thinking it sounded “sufficiently evil”, so no doubt there are young metal bands looking to put the very heavy sounding name Covid-19 to the same purpose.
A few of the metalheads in this cartoon look like real-life metal legends. Bonus points if you can name them in the comments.
Thanks for reading and please don’t cough on the mic!