Like an exotic butterfly or rare orchid, the mysterious white goth is rarely seen in the wild. Only a few intrepid explorers have set their eyes on white goths — and even fewer have lived to tell the tale. Some might argue that Lady Gaga is actually a white goth, but Lady Gaga only employs white goth mimicry to sell albums and concert tickets. True white goths are only found creeping around decrepit mausoleums deep the haunted forests of Eastern Europe or slinking out of the restrooms at a Kentucky Vampires concert. Unfortunately, rampant collection by goth hunters as well as prejudice from traditional black-attired goths have driven these inverted maidens of counter darkness into almost complete obscurity. If you do happen to see a white goth, please be respectful and appreciate the moment without flash photography or butterfly nets.
The voice of experience here. Goth and heavy metal types (especially those into black metal) put a lot of work into their wardrobes, and although they face many challenges due to their dress choices – from rain to unemployment – the most horrifying threat undoubtably comes from white cats, especially those with extra long fur. I personally wear quite a few black t-shirts and never realized what a terrible situation this was until I came into possession of not one but two white cats, including one with particularly long hair. Now I’m pretty much covered in visible cat fur all the time. Lint rollers can only do so much. Assuming you love your pets, there is no option but surrender. For goths and metalheads, white cats create great visual contrast, but they are wardrobe suicide. Make wise choices at the animal shelter – I didn’t.
Werewolf problems — and solutions!
FULL MOON FASHION
It’s a common problem amongst lycanthropes — after a bout of murderous transformation, there you are the next day, stark naked in a jail cell or a zoo with nothing but tattered rags at your feet. Thankfully there is any easy solution to this problem — just head down to the local dance or yoga store and suit up properly in starry spandex. Pouncing joggers under a full moon has never been so easy!
SUSPIRIORUM’S DANCE WORLD
Astute horror fans will catch the Suspiria and American Werewolf in London references here, both very fine films, watch them now. As this comic suggests, they should really be a single movie (listen up, Hollywood).
Thanks for reading! I worked by moonlight to make this one, so I hope you enjoyed the extra detail (my editor/wife insisted on the extra werewolf sparkle). View the individual panels in full glory on Instagram.