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CAT-ATs

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cat-ats-star-wars-at-at-cartoon

It’s no secret that cats can be used to improve just about anything in a movie, and the famous “Battle of Hoth” scene in Star Wars’ Empire Strikes Back is no exception. This is because the four-legged mechanical war machines depicted in the movie — AT-ATs, or All Terrain Armored Transports — are an absolutely impractical way of moving troops from one place to another and conducting actual combat operations. Slow, clunky, and prone to making the drivers and troops vomit due to motion sickness, the only real value of an AT-AT is to scare the shit out of people, a capability that quickly wanes once their obvious weakness is discovered: AT-ATs are tippy as hell. This is where cats come to the rescue.

CAT-ATs are a definite improvement over AT-ATs, retaining the intimidation abilities of the original AT-AT design while adding catlike attributes such as balance, dexterity, and speed. Had CAT-ATs instead of AT-ATs been used by the Empire during the assault on Hoth, Luke’s X-Wing could have been pounced upon before its escape to Dagobah and the Millennium Falcon easily swatted from the sky. With two plotlines quickly resolved, the overall running time of the movie could have capped at about 30 minutes, saving the studio millions of dollars. The only drawback of CAT-ATs, in fact, is their proclivity to get distracted by things that have to nothing to do with the original military target or goal. They love to go chasing after whatever wildlife exists on random worlds. Oh, and CAT-ATs do kind of suck at taking orders, too — something no doubt considered by the Empire before opting for more docile technology.

Skeleton Army Necromancer Cartoon

Skeleton Army

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Skeleton Army Necromancer Cartoon

They complain, they lose things (often their own body parts), and needless to say they have certain physical disadvantages (no muscles, no flesh… need I go on?). Having your own skeleton army may be hip if you are a necromancer and it’s hard to imagine a haunted castle without them, but they really are quite a pain to manage and probably more trouble than they are worth.

Necromancy Ain’t Easy

You sleep with the dead, smell like a rotten fish, and spend your days searching cemeteries for obscure spell components. And what do you get for your troubles? A gaggle of brainless boneheads barely capable of lifting their swords much less using them. Good luck acquiring new territory, wiping out rival wizards, or even mounting a proper defense of your evil forest with these substandard servants. Pro tip: befriend a dragon. Much sexier and infinitely more powerful (assuming you aren’t incinerated on first contact).

Spiderman Culture Not Costume Cartoon Parody Comic

Spider Sensitivity

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Spiderman Culture Not Costume Cartoon Parody Comic

Spiderman gets a rude awakening to the web of power relationships in society.

Jason Voorhees Quarantine Cartoon

A Message of Hope

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Jason Voorhees Quarantine Cartoon

I feel better knowing this. I mean, I think I do.

Quarantine Blues

It will be a wonderful day when we can move past the real-life horror of Covid-19 and put horror back where it belongs — on the movie screen! Jason needs to lift his chin up and smell the roses. At least he is isolated in a beautiful place (Camp Crystal Lake is known for its legendary beauty). And when the quarantine is lifted and bum rush to the forest begins he’ll have plenty of plump campers to keep his machete swinging deep into the 2020s. In the meantime, wash your hands, Jason, and keep that mask in place!

Thanks for reading and stay healthy!

Camp Crystal Lake Coronavirus Comic

Toilet Paper Terror

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Camp Crystal Lake Coronavirus Comic

The Coronavirus comes to Camp Crystal Lake

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