SPEECH THERAPY FOR SILENT KILLERS

How many years now have we been watching Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees get drowned, torched, stabbed, run over, and otherwise obliterated to no lasting effect (okay, Jason got a ding in his hockey mask once).

Dozens of sequels, prequels, reboots, and retreads have proved that nothing physical can stop these guys. Just when you think one of these speechless psychopaths is going down for good, here he is again, peeping through some teenage girl’s window and steaming up the glass with his voiceless dog breath (from eating actual dogs, no less).

That leaves society with only one remaining option. They’ve gotta be rehabbed. And that all starts with words ‘n stuff.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL OPTION

Freud brought us the talking cure, which means you can fix your own head by blabbing about your problems to friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers on the bus. Apparently, when you talk about things, you feel better, usually by making other people miserable. This is what Freud called Transference: by talking about your problems with someone, you transfer your misery over to them, curing yourself. Or sometimes you get pushed off a bridge for being annoying – same result, all problems gone!

Today people love to talk about their problems on the phone, in the checkout line, on the internet, and even to themselves while looking for coins with a metal detector on the beach. But if you can’t speak you’re screwed! Or everyone else is screwed when you finally snap. Ultimately, society is better off by you complaining about your coworkers and your cheating girlfriend than it is by you holding it inside only to go postal a year or two down the road.

So let it out! Use the comment box below if you want. And sit still in your seats and pay attention, Michael and Jason. Class is about to begin. And unlike Mr. Hand’s high school history class, talking is encouraged.

Thank you for reading Grinsane! Tune in next week for more horror comedy cartoons and weird comics!