Do you break into a cold sweat or does your face swell up like balloon when entering a house of worship? Then perhaps you have undiagnosed allergies that you should be concerned about. For years I struggled with an overriding desire to vomit when exposed to religious mumbo jumbo, but now I just take a Benadryl and it puts me right to sleep. Works great on airplanes, at the bus stop, or visiting religious family members. Amen!
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I think there may have been a Family Circus cartoon along these lines once, but it didn’t contain human sacrifice, near nudity, and tentacles. Consider this an alt comix upgrade!
In my experience, children don’t really dig church, I know I sure didn’t. Something about having to sit still for more than five minutes. I’m assuming whatever your religion — Christian, Lucyferian, or Cult of Cthulhu — the situation is the same.
DO YOU READ H.P. LOVECRAFT?
Then you should be able to identify the Elder Gods depicted in the stained glass. Don’t bother trying to decipher the weird symbols, I just squiggled those out.
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Our cats go nuts when they hear, see, or smell a bird of any kind. No way would I make the foolish mistake this family made by leaving their steaming bird out on the kitchen counter to cool. Consider this a public service announcement for your Thanksgiving holiday (assuming you live in the US and celebrate by cooking a giant bird with bread up its behind).
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I think it’s fair to say that if your child is possessed by the Evil One, and you solicit the help of a priest, stay in the room to keep an eye on things during the ceremony.
Seriously, can you find a reliable priest for an exorcism anymore? And by reliable, I mean one that isn’t a demon himself? Surely there has been an uptick in untreated demonic possession since these priests started getting outed. People are afraid to let them in the house, much less be alone with their kids, giving the true hell spawn unfettered access to your offspring, resulting in a nonstop stream of blasphemy and projectile vomit. Admittedly, some of the things these possessed children say are kind of funny, cute even, but that infernal pea soup barf is almost impossible to scrape off the walls.
Now that we’ve discussed the church, let’s talk about the Exorcist, one of the few movies I find truly terrifying. I rarely watch this film because I end up seeing little Linda Blair Regan MacNeil’s creepy possessed face in the shadows for at least a month after I view it. In fact, while I was drawing this cartoon (which took forever, since four panels is four times the work that I usually put in), my wife put on the film and I told her no way, change the movie, and we watched Species instead — a movie in which the greatest horror is listening to Ben Kingsley attempt to speak English with an American accent.
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